I don’t feel comfortable sharing this on my main account, so I’m posting from a secondary account. And also, this is a veryyyy long post. Sorry. 🥹
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Earlier this week, I opened my old Facebook account after a longgg time, to save some files before deleting it for good. Then I came across an old post of me fangirling over Mark Lee during the SM Rookies days, when he was first introduced. Since then, I followed his journey, and the rest was history.
What made this feel even more surreal was the timing. Before I even opened my old Facebook account, I had already seen posts about the Dreamies crying during their last concert. I remember thinking something felt off. And then, I saw Mark's Instagram post today, it felt like a painful coincidence that was somehow preparing me for the news.
Honestly, it hurt. But I’ve been a K-pop fan for so long, and members leaving their groups have become almost familiar. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to mourn things like this.
**Flashback to my very first major crash-out: EXO in 2014*\* Lol. They were the first group I fangirled that I got to know before their official debut so I feel like that's why it had a major impact on me.
Still, being older now has changed the way I handle things. Life has humbled me in my late 20s, and I think I’ve become a little more mature, a little more understanding. It still hurts, but it’s easier to carry than it was when I was a teenager.
As a fan for so long, one thing I used to wonder a lot was: “How long am I going to stay in these parasocial relationships?” And yet, here I am, still fangirling, just more quietly now.
This is another bittersweet moment of being a K-pop fan. I don’t think I’ll ever fully get used to it, but adulthood teaches you how to hold grief differently.
To Mark Lee, even though the chance of you ever reading this is basically zero, I still want to say this:
Thank you for all your hard work over the past 10 years.
Even though you’re a little younger than me, your words have brought me comfort during tough times. Whenever I hear the words “grateful” or “gratitude,” I think of you, because you’ve stayed true to those words all these years.
I’ve known you since 2013, and honestly, it feels like we grew up at the same time. Watching you become the person you are now has been such a privilege, and I’m proud to have been your fan.
With everything happening in the K-pop industry, you were one of the few people who made me feel like there are still genuinely decent individuals in it. You know, that kind of good friend you're gonna tell your parents you're with and they'll be like "yup, sure!".
I saw someone say that maybe you’ll leave the idol industry for good, or maybe finally pursue literature in university. Or you, busking on street with your guitar sounds awesome too. Whatever it is you choose next, I just hope it makes you truly happy. I hope you get to chase the dream you really want.
And more than anything, I pray that wherever life takes you, you’ll be happy. ❤️🩹✨
PS #1: Seeing how the members reacted to Mark’s departure somehow put me at ease. It wasn’t messy. It was just full of love and support. And the fact that Johnny (I'm same age as him btw and I love this duo so much), attended one of their last shows made me extra bittersweet and sappy… that’s his not-so-baby bro!!! 😭😭😭
PS #2: Sorry, the caption of my old Facebook post is very "jeje". Iykyk. Lol.